The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the First Day of Christmas
My true Love gave to me.....

Dearest Michael,
I went to the door today, and the post man delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love, 

Elizabeth


On the Second Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Dearest Michael,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love, Yours, 

Elizabeth 

 

On the Third Day of Christmas
My true Love gave to me.....
Dearest Michael,
You've been too kind! I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised. What more should I expect from such a nice person?
Love, 
Elizabeth

 

On the Fourth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Dear Michael,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, 
Elizabeth

On the Fifth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Dearest darling Michael,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible Darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all these birds squawking from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love, Elizabeth

On the Sixth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Dear Michael,

Well I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them?  The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all this racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially, Elizabeth

On the Seventh Day of Christmas
My true Love gave to me.....

Michael,

What is with you and those stupid birds? Seven swans a-swimming!  What kind of sick joke is this!?  There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!  I'm a nervous wreck!  It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely, Elizabeth

 

 On the Eighth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

 O.K. wise guy, 

The birds were bad enough, Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not enough, they brought their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Elizabeth

On the Ninth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....
You rotten scum!!  There are now nine ladies dancing! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day. The cows can't sleep, {neither can I} and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!  What's with the ten lords a-leaping? They are leaping through the house, breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! They've knocked my precious Hummel collection on the floor and broken them. The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! I hope you are satisfied...you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy, Elizabeth

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Hey loser, What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are eleven pipers piping, and they certainly do pipe! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset...but at least the birds are quiet, they were trampled to death by the cows,  The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!  Elizabeth

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas

My true Love gave to me.....

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Elizabeth Quinn. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms.Quinn at Happy Daze sanitarium, the guards have instructions to shoot you on sight.  Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
The Law Offices of  Badger, Rees, and Yorker