From Stumped...To This

As I sit here at the computer, I wonder what I should post about or how I should reply to an email.  I find both equally difficult - so if I haven't responded to your email, that's why.  I'm just going to see where this goes here.  I would like to post about something, but I'm just not sure what I should post about.  I think...oh I"ll post something funny...or I'll post a recipe...or post...
something about the pups...but I don't feel "funny", don't have a recipe and the pups are fine!  Then, I think ok, I'll post more about what's going on around here...but I don't know what more there is to say.  I don't know if I want to talk about it.  I don't know if anyone wants to hear more.

I do want to thank everyone for the comments, prayers and kind emails I've received.  I'm stumped!

Since Tom was diagnosed with lung cancer that has matastases in the liver and quite possibly the brain just 4 days ago, our lives have been turned upside down.  If you didn't see earlier posts about this...click HERE to read them.  Most of the time, I feel ok...like I'm doing alright.  Then there are times when I just want to scream!   Like right now!  I've even felt angry...angry that he didn't go to the doctor all the times I tried to get him to go.  Angry that nothing I said ever got through to him.  Angry that I put up with all of the nastiness and abuse instead of putting my foot down and insisting something be done.

Then there is everything that has never been done around here...and we've lived in this house nearly 9 years.  I'm somewhat limited as to what I can and can not do.  I find it very difficult to climb a ladder...whether it's to change a lightbulb, dust the top of a cabinet or to paint.  But, there are rooms in our home that have never been painted.  I need curtain rods to be put up, which I've had sitting in the corner of the rooms where they go, for probably 2 years.  "I'll get to it later" is what I've always heard.  There are things that need to be repaired...a bathroom sink that can't be used and hasn't been used for probably 4 years...and more.

It's not like I have the money to hire a painter or handy-man...so, if we can't get it done before things change {and I know they will...I just know}...it will all be on me.  

Move?  I've thought about that.  I've also thought we should sell the house and move to my home state of Wisconsin.  I've thought about moving our house, that's one of the nice things about it being a manufactured home, it can be taken apart and transported in half, by truck.

I've thought about a Tiny House.

But we had this house built in 2006, knowing it would be our last house...and we weren't in it hoping to gain equity, because these houses don't.  If we were to sell our house...we'd get far less than what we paid for it.  Far less - like less than half what we paid for it.

At a time like this, besides praying, one must be practical.  With just the ER visit the other day, which consisted of a cat scan and x-rays, and who knows what else {I wasn't there, didn't know it would turn out the way it did, or I would have been}, we have nearly $10,000 in expenses and they all haven't been tallied yet, billing said.  It sure does add up quickly.  Medicare pays 80/20 after you pay your deductible.  So, we could be at $3500-$4000.  Now there are 2 cat scans, a bone scan, an MRI and a biopsy that will be done in the coming days.  Then the oncologist's fees.  And who knows what after that.

I've always been the care-giver...whether it be when someone's sick...or when things are going badly...everyone looks to me to take care of it...all of it!  I don't know if it's that I'm getting older...or that I've been taking care of so much for so many years.  I've done this all of my life...since I was a young child.  But, I know certain things need to get done...and since I'm not the affected one...I know it's going to be me.  

Part of me says I can handle it.  I've handled it before.  I can do it again.  I'll be all the stronger for it...after all, I have God walking along side me.  And I don't like to whine...it's irritating!

But, then there's the side of me who wants to flee.  I know I won't/can't...but boy, it would certainly be a relief.

This week, I have to take Rosie, our Toy Poodle who will be 4 years old on Valentine's Day to the Vet.  She got 2 lumps on her...one on her backside and one on her shoulder.  Hopefully, it won't be anything serious...and that she'll be OK.

You know how most of us pick a word for the NEW YEAR before it begins...and I was waiting to see what might come to me for mine...when I got alot more than just one word.  If you look at my Blog Banner, you'll see it.  

Breathe     Be present in the "Now"     Relax

The evening of Tom's diagnosis, I sat here, staring at my computer...my blog and looked at those words.  I know without God, I couldn't possibly do all that!  And I know I got those words from Him to be reminded throughout this coming journey...to Breathe and not hold things in.  To be present in the "Now", so that I can grasp all that is happening...and to Relax in Jesus' arms.

With all that's going on...I have Jesus by my side.  That's the only way I will get through it.

My prayer right now is that my husband and I can help each other through this battle.  I know the cancer could be making him behave the way he is and have been for years.  This is so hard.  Can I ask you to please pray with me?